D&D & The Champ
By Greg Denyes
"Ever since I retired as the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Mrs. Champ and I have been invited to a number of dinner parties with famous celebrities, royalty and politicians. Let me tell you about the time Mrs. Champ came to me one day with an invitation from some youtube star named Felicia Day to join her some of her friends for a gaming party. I didn't know what that meant and Mrs. Champ said it was a Role Playing game.
Well, I've been around the block a few times before Mrs. Champ and I became Mr. and Mrs. Champ, and in my experience; Role Playing was code for "Swingers". I told her this and she laughed it off, said I was silly. RPG's are a dice game and doesn't have anything to do with swapping. I took her word for it and we bought a book that told us the rules of how to play the game. I thought it was pretty neat with all the pictures and charts and stuff.
When Mrs. Champ described the Monk as a character, I decided that was the Role for me. Mrs. Champ asked if I was sure I didn't want the barbarian. I told her the Monk was more my style, he's spiritually balanced with a strong mental discipline like me. She just shook her head and helped me fill in the special forms that looked like they belonged on a clip board in some emergency health clinic.
Mrs. Champ decided she was going to play the bard because she enjoys music so much and misses the days when she used to perform on stage for hundreds of adoring fans. I don't remember many of her stories, especially any that involved performing. She said she used to do shows at a club called the Brass Rail. I've known some of my friends to mention this place so I figure it must be pretty classy, just like my wife.
So the night came for this party and Mrs. Champ and I met up with Felicia at her condo where we met some of the other guests. Aparently they were all mostly couples of some kind. Not a good sign, I wasn't impressed. She introduced me to the kid from Star Trek and his wife, some guy from star gate and his wife, and her "gaming buddy" from a show she did on the Tubes. He was to be called the Dungeon Master for the game. I'm a pretty open minded guy so I figured he could call himself the queen of sheba for all I care, let's just get this gaming thing out of the way.
There was another guy there, Chang was his name, that apparently wasn't invited but was really excited to play and gotten all dressed up for it. He had painted himself up with face black and had a long white wig. I knew he must not get out much because if any of my brothers had seen him he'd have been a grease spot on the pavement long ago. He said his character was a drow. Everyone including young Wesley rolled their eyes. Must be mentally unstable.
After a couple of drinks We sit at this large dining table with dice and a map. Mr. Dungeon Master starts by telling us that we're all in this tavern of some coastal city known for gambling and crime. I said "Vegas" I said. No, he said, it's in a fantasy world. Well I remember a few fights in Vegas and this sounds like Vegas. Mrs. Champ suggested that I just wait till it's my turn before I start talking.
Mr. Dungeon Master then asks us to start describing our characters. Crusher Kid describes some kind of magician, his wife is a priest, the stargate gentleman says he's a fighter and his wife will be playing a druid of some kind. Mrs. Champ describes our characters and then Chang goes into this big discription of his "dark elf with swords". Mrs. Champ decides she's gonna start some kind of coin flipping game with betting in the Tavern since this was a gambling town. I figure she wouldn't know anything about gambling but it's just a game anyway. Chang jumps in and says he'll play.
Mrs. Champ pretends to throw a coin in the air and says "call it". I don't see any coin, I'm thinking, how's she gonna know what it is? Chang calls "heads", the Dungeon Master rolls some of his funky dice and says "it's heads". Chang is all excited that he won, I didn't even see any coin. He turns to me and says, "Hey Champ, your wife's flip gave me heads!"
I said... "pardon?"
Chang said "Your wife gave me heads!"
I SNAP!! I LOSE IT!!
I've become an instant volcano of hideous FURY!!
I smile at the little freak to disarm him of my intentions then SWING a left at his face -- but the DM rolls some dice and Chang ducks.
I bring up my right knee to catch him unawares and the DM calls "success" Chang is left dazed.
I give him a good, solid Right/Left combo, bloodying his face, and grab his head with both hands for one.... two.... three head-butts to the nose.
Chang staggers for a moment then shakes his head clear and draws two curved swords, swinging them at me in an ever-increasing dance of whirling blades.
I step in and block his first two shots with my iron bracers sending sparks into the air and a kick to his head,
but he dodges my feint leaving himself open to a flurry of blows to his chest with my spiked brass knuckles.
I grab his bloodied, pin-cushion of a boiled leather breastplate with my left hand for purchase while liquifying his face with a dozen, steady, pounding, hay-makers from my right fist. With every hay-maker I say "HOW'S THAT CHANG? IS THAT 'YOUR WIFE'S FLIP GAVE ME HEADS' ENOUGH FOR YA?"
The DM describes the Tavern as the aftermath of a war zone, funny, cause that's what the condo looked like too.
Felicia said I should have read the rules on Player Killing.
Wesley said it was the best LARPing session ever.
Chang didn't have much to say.
Ever since I've been, the CHAMP.