Strength, Patience & Faith

Tolerance - Faith

My biggest issue this past year has been confidence and faith in my own abilities. It's been harder with the separation than I would ever like to admit. While I drowned in my own poisonous pity, my wife has moved further away from me, which would be almost bearable except for her occasional talk about reconcilliation, or worse her taking other men into her life. I want both of course; to never have to deal with the relationship and its issues ever again and being torn with possibly making things work, to be with my wife whom I still love as much as I love our children: more than life itself.

I also believe in the seperation, only with time apart can we heal our personal issues in order to give the marriage the proper attention it needs without being bogged down with disagreements that really only distract us from the repairs we know must happen. If our goals are so alike, then why are we still drifting in an ever widening orbit around a ball of anger and resentment?

Pain... it's the only language we can communicate with anymore, that or indifference. I know that neither of us want it this way, but it seems to be all we can do. Other methods just crumble too easily into turmoil. I could hide my feelings in hobbies, alcohol, maybe even women, but it doesn't fix anything and I am still saddened, lonely, betrayed. The more I think about how my wife must be dealing with this, the angrier and more betrayed I feel. To know that she must feel the need (as I) to turn to another for companionship churns a bile I can never describe.

I know I can't blame her for this, we were both at fault. We were both victims of each others pain, each others past and eachothers fears of our future. Much of what happened leading to our breakup was quite unforgivable. Reactions to words and actions, perceived or misinterpreted, on both sides became scars and proofs that there could be no love, no working things out. Lashing out at our confusion was the only defence.

I can honestly confirm the validity of the old saying, that we always hurt the ones we love. Love is the only reason to react with so much anger. Only love can hurt us to such deapths where true hate is born. Sometimes, in a weaker person it only takes suspicion or the smallest of lies to trigger this conversion. Even in more confident personalities the slightest crack in belief or faith can destroy the trust built up over countless months, years, birthdays, Thanksgivings, mortgage payments and late-night trips to the 24 hour grocery store for those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction pregnancy cravings.

And so it goes. Shit happens. Life goes on.

Finally, with a clear view of the past, a complete acceptance of my shortcommings and barely the slightest glimpse of a manufactured hope in the future, I step boldly into a realm of possibility. I opened myself to forgiveness. Analysing my past and all the events I could remember that led me to agonize over my abandonment I rediscovered the simplest of truths. A tiny flower was rooted in the dusty cracks of what was once an ocean. My ocean. In the hard packed, dried desert where fathoms of well-being, confidence, surity and love had pooled until the quakes of our seperation. There grew a symbol of possibility. A symbol that a marriage I had believed irrepairable could still one day again crash waves of joy against the shores of this world. From the salted tears of pain an ocean can exist as they stream to the lowest points available and what can feel lower than the end of a long war with Love. As a brook is shallow and a lake is isolated, all rivers lead to the ocean. Forgiveness is born of love and from forgiveness grows even more love.

I forgive myself the words I have used to harm her for they were not meant for her. I forgive myself for actions born of fear for they were not her fault. I forgive her the anger, distrust and mistakes for I am certain her actions were not a reflection of me but of her own pain.

And although the thought of her with other men still stirs the indescribably terrible taste, I can forgive her them as well for they are only temporary. I will have the strength to grow past my shortcomings and the patience to await her healing. In the end, I have faith that we will once again be happy together.

Strength, Patience & Faith.

---
Friar Greg

Related materials:

"Forgive, forget. Bear with the faults of others as you would have them bear with yours. Be patient and understanding. Life is too short to be vengeful or malicious."

--
Phillips Brooks

"Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind."

--
Leonardo da Vinci

Have a Little Faith in Me (Poem)

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark, baby
Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so *easily*
Come here darlin’
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back’s against the wall
Just turn around, you will see
I will catch ya, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I’ve been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend *for you and me*
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me