Where do we go now?

This past March 1st was a Monday like none other in my life.

It was such a tramatic experience culminating from 6 months of self doubt, depression & disappointment. Dissappointment not only in myself for not having made a difference earlier but in the people I thought I trusted.  It was a hard road, and I almost didn't make it.  Many days I couldn't even feel; a dead person inside my own skin.  I'm sure many of you recall the rants and pleas for attention. Not that attention was what I needed, most often even the honest sympathy of my brothers was enough to lose hope and tail spin into another bout of pain. I'm not going to go into too many details, much of it is already pretty well known.  Don't believe the rumours, is all I can say.  

For a very long time I practically lived online in games and social networks, desperate for some kind of sign that I wasn't alone. I grasped at straws seeking some kind of wisdom that could actually convince me that it would all be ok in the end. And in the end, it was.  My rational mind knew, long before I began ignoring it, that my case was not without hope.  Even logic supplied the necessary conclusions I should have held dear instead of disparaging my life and allowing the weight to settle ever deeper on my shoulders. Then it was over in a flurry of questions and answers, submissions and agreements, point for point, tit for tat. I was almost numb to the entire event as I watched it unfold before me.

Now is an excellent time to quote one of my favorite shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer (stop snickering, I'm serious!). 
S6E7 Once More With Feeling - the musical


Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
The battle's done and we kind of won so we sound our victory cheer,
Where do we go from here?


Why is the path unclear?
When we know home is near?
Understand we'll go hand in hand 
but we'll walk alone in fear, (tell me)
Where do we go from here?


When does the end appear?
When do the trumpets cheer?
the curtains close on a kiss
God knows we can tell the end is near.
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?


It's a lonely place to find myself, back at square one with only a whole new pile of work to do.  I think I'm up for the challenge. I'll have to be. Even with all the extra baggage, this train is on a one-way track to freedom. Freedom from guilt, from depression, from self pity and most importantly, freedom to make the right decisions this time. My past is no longer a chain around my neck. This Marley isn't dead yet so I still have a chance to make it right, a chance to make ME right again.


Wish me luck.
--
Friar Greg